Stori fer: Odd hwn yn shit idea... - Siôn Tomos Owen

Odd hwn yn shit idea...

Dwi di ishte 'ma digon o weithiau i wybod os ddeith rhywun drwy gatiau’r parc a gweld fi fan hyn ar y fainc 'ma, gallen nhw droi reit rownd a gadael cyn i mi hyd yn oed gweld nhw’n deidi. Sy’n neud i mi feddwl bod y boi dwi fod i gwrdd yn nabod y parc 'ma’n dda a 'na pam ddewisodd e’r lle, so alle fe ducko mas heb goro actually cwrdd â fi. Neu falle fod e 'di dewis y lle achos ma' fe’n barc gyhoeddus yn y dref, ganol p’nawn, i neud i mi deimlo’n llai nerfus am cwrdd lan 'da dyn diarth...wel, ma' hwna'n fuckin' gweithio fel treat nagyw e?

Fi 'ma ta beth. Yn aros...

Er nace fe sy'n hwyr, fi sy’n gynnar, sydd yn blydi dwp on my part achos os o ni ddim yn eager beaver allen ni di neud y recon walk i fewn i’r parc fy hunan a troi rownd a gadael os doedden i’m yn hoffi’r looks ohono fe. Ond neurotic as I am, doedden i’m eisiau bod yn hwyr. Dwi 'rioed 'di bod yn hwyr a sai'n hoffi dechrau da bad impressions. Ond nawr dwi’n dechrau mynd yn cheesed off da’r ffaith fod e’n hwyr a neud i fi aros... er taw fi sy’n gynnar ond dwi dal yn annoyed da fe, sydd yn mental achos smo fe di actually neud dim byd yn rong! Fuck's sake...odd hwn yn shit idea.

Dwi’n gorfeddwl. Na pam dwi’n crap ar dates go iawn ond yw hwn yn well? Scrutiniso negeseuon a subtex emojis da winky face â tafod mas? Sut dwi fod i gynnal sgwrs da dynion sy' just yn ymateb 'da emoji? Neu gair un sill neu just outright “Lle ti’n byw? na’i ddod draw...”? Fuckin nightmare! Ma fe'n obviously wrecko pen fi fyd achos dwi'n scrolio nôl dros bob neges drosodd a throsodd, mun...odd hwn shit idea.

O, no way, co fe’n dod. Pam nes i cymryd specs fi off i edrych yn fwy ffansi? Surely byse cadw specs ar yn neud i mi edrych yn fwy alluog, neu byse hwna’n rhoi fe off? Ond pam nagyw e moyn dêt fwy alluog na fe? Pam?! What a dick head! Chauvinist.

Ife fe yw e? Shwt dwi fod gwybod? Falle nath e'm defnyddio llun go iawn o'i hunan. Dylsen i di dweud, "wear a red carnation" neu rhywbeth fel yn yr old days, nawr dwi jest yn teilmo fel rîli shit spy yn ishte ar fainc mewn parc ar ôl rhannu gwybodaeth 'da complete stranger. Fuck me, 'na beth yw e. Ma' modern dating yn stereotypical cold war movie. Aros am rhyw bloke sa'i byth 'di cwrdd ond di siarad â mewn code ar y wê, gofyn i cwrdd ar fainc mewn parc, cal rhyw weird awkward tense dialogue a gobitho fod e'n mutually beneficial in the long run...ond heb y threat of nuclear war...er ma' lovelife fi'n teimlo fel fuckin' nuclear winter. Grim...

Actually...nace fe yw e, Glen yw hwna dwi'n meddwl, fuck it fi'n rhoi specs ar. Aye, Glen Carpets. O shit, hang on, ife Glen dwi 'di..? O bollocks, plîs paid dweud bo fi 'di cal fy nghatfisho gan bloody Glen Carpets?! Plîs dweud bo fe jest yn mynd am dro. Ond pa mor random yw e bo fe'n mynd am dro yn nghanol y pnawn ar ddwrnod gwaith? Odd hwn yn such a shit idea! !

"Orite Glen?"

"Orite Wend?"

Ma fe'n dishgwl arnai'n weird.

"Wha' you doin' by here 'en?"

"Waiting that's all, Glen"

"Ohhhh, waiting is it? For what 'en?"

Shiiiiit, fe yw e!

"None of your business!"

"Cool head, only askin, I am."

Orite, falle ddim...

"Tinder is it?"

Shiiit!

"You should use your real picture Glen, you knob!"

"What?"

"Looks nothing like you, and be original like! Everyone bloke south of Brecon does that fuckin Pen-y-Fan leg cocked up on the summit shot, but then one straight after of you in a suit, like you work in an office or sumin then mountaineer on weekends? Use a believable one at least. And now you rock up like you've just been to work..."

"I 'ave just been to work..."

Pam bod e'n chwarae funny buggers da fi? Ni'n nabod ein gilydd eniwei a sai'n deall pam byse fe'n bod yn dick bythti fe.

"I used my own picture." Da bach o high angles...a cwpwl o filters, obvs, ond odd e dal yn fi!

"Wend, what the hell you on about?"

"Why didn't you just ask, Glen, if you knew it was me? You just look like an arsehole now."

"Hang on now, Wendy. I haven't got a bastard clue what you're gabbin' on about and to be honest you're the one coming off like an arsehole choppsin' at me like I done something wrong."

"Me?!"

"You think you're the only one to use this bench to meet people off the internet?"

Shock face emoji...

"A bench in the middle of the park, right by town with a clear view of the gate so the people coming in can spot you a mile off and can duck out if you don't look like the look of who you're meeting? C'mon, Wend!"

Shit emoji...

"Might as well stick a bloody plaque on here saying "Tinder meeting bench"!"

Odd y sêt yn dwym pan nes i ishte lawr...

"I think my brother even done it..."

Yup, fi sy'n edrych fel yr arsehole nawr. Fuck it, double down.

"Don't change the subject, Glen. You're like the kids in school when they get caught fibbin'"

"No offence, Wend, but you ain't my type. I like 'em a bit...curvier."

Falle fod e'n dweud y gwir...

"Not that you haven't got sumin goin on...but I like a good bit of sumin to hold...to grab... Aw, fuckin' 'ell! You're making me feel embarrassed now, when I haven't even done nothin!"

Ma fe'n cochi 'fyd.

"And I'm fuckin' married!"

"I know"

"Happily, to a big woman. She'd kill me...and you if she thought..."

"Orite calm down, Glen"

"And I like 'em less fuckin mental than you and all!"

Orite, point taken

"Plus, if I even did do this type of bollocks, I'd be me. Why would I be someone else?"

Oh gawd, ma' hwn yn blydi nightmare a sa'i 'di hyd yn oed 'di cwrdd a'r blydi date eto!

"Well, some people try to trick you don't they?"

"Catfish?"

"Aye."

"Why do it then if you can be tricked? Just go to the pub or somethin'. Don't you work in a school? Must be blokes there..."

Oh Christ...

"Do you think I'd be sitting in a fuckin park waiting for a stranger if I didn't think going to a shithole pub in this valley, fuck it, even Cardiff, wasn't already a bloody pantomime that I'm fed up of doing?!"

Go on cal e off dy chest, mewn parc...'da boi sy'n gwerthu carpets, you nutcase!

"I'm either waiting for some bloke to walk up and talk to me, avoiding the ones I don't want the attention of or trying to not have a panic attack when one of 'em tries to paw my arse like I'm a fuckin' labrador!"

"Is it?"

"I'm absolutely fed up to the back teeth of it and this shit is the alternative, so give me a break, Glen."

"...Which is worse?"

Glen, bach, ti'n spot on, which is bloody worse?

"I don't bloody know, Glen..."

Odd hwn such a shit idea.

"Nervous 'en are you?"

You think?! Yffach dân...

"Sorry Glen, butt..."

Pam yn y blydi byd ydw i'n gwneud hwn? Just knock it on the head, Wendy, gâd dynion fod. Ma' digon o couples yn y byd, rhan fwyaf ohonyn nhw'n anhapus da'i gilydd ta beth. 'Sdim byd yn bod da byw ar ben dy hyn am byth yn gwnïo cardigans, a magu cathod. Fuck the allergies, magu cathod a gwnïo for you o hyn ymlaen, Wend. Wendy the sneezing cat lady. Alone am byth!

Ma' hwn yn blydi nightmare...

"What's he look like 'en, if he doesn't look like me?"

"Well, he does look like you from a distance..."

Ma' fe. O ni'n dishgwl rhyw Don Draper type, tal, cyhyrog, tywyll, sy' ddim yn bell o Glen oni bai am y gwallt cyrliog sy bach yn receding. A smo Glen yn siarad Cymra...

O. My. God.

Dwi'n moron. Alle fe'm bod yn Glen...

"Don't speak Welsh do you, Glen?"

Odd y messages i gyd yn Gymraeg!

"Yn anffodus rydw i ar fy ngwyliau Hâf gyda fy rhieni ac ddim yn siarad Cymraeg. Da-bo!"

The fuck?

"Hahaha! 'Ark at your face. Learned that from when I was on 'olidays in North Wales with my parents. Could never understand a word, neither could my father come to think of it, and he spoke Welsh! Taught me that to say to 'em when they talked to me in shops. Couldn't understand what they said back, mind, and they had a face on 'em like you. Hahaha!"

Chwarae teg, ma' hwna yn funny...neu yw e'n cover up? Aaargh! Alle rhywbeth fod yn straight forward am change?! Ma' popeth mor blydi complicated.

"So you can't speak Welsh 'en..?"

"Nah, wish I could. Only the odd 'Diolch' and 'fy enw i ydy Glen' from school. 'Mae hi'n bwrw glaw' and that. Why?

One of your Tinder preferences was it?"

"No, just that the bloke I'm meeting does..."

"Pahahahhahahaaa!! Oh Jesus!"

Go on Glen, butt, lap it up.

"...We spoke Welsh in the messages"

"...Haha! Why the bloody hell did you think it was me, 'en?"

Dwi yn moron. Ma'r holl beth yn jôc, Ma'r whole dating game yn jôc fawr nagyw e? Shit show.

"Sorry Wend, Didn't mean to laugh in your face like that but that was funny. Cheer up, mun."

"It's tressin me out, though, Glen."

Beth os yw hwn fel rhyw fath o Truman Show neu prank? Ma'r boi'n ffilmio fi i rhoi ar Youtube i cal million hits a tweenagers yn pisho'i hunan ar fy horendous ordeal o ceisio ffeindio fuckin' dyn?!

OMG it's Miss Johns! How thirsty is she for a man? LMFAO she's so salty bout being left hangin. Who'd want to shag her, she's buzzin

Fuckin' kids yn brutal...

"Look, I think I know the bloke you're meant to meet."

"Really?"

"I walk by here on my dinner break regular and there's this tallish bloke, talks in Welsh to women by here."

You've got to be kidding me! Dwi jest yn un arall mewn harem rhyw Tinder lad Cymraeg?!

"Smart looking bloke in a suit. Dark hair with a side parting."

O ni'n meddwl bod side parting yn arwydd o rhywun oedd 'da bach fwy o aeddfedrwydd. Rhywun oedd ishe setlo lawr, rhywun serious. Nid rhyw parc frequenting lothario!

"Can see why you like him."

Aye, a pob merch arall 'fyd!

"Hmmm"

"Don't think it works out for him though, cause he meets 'em here, like, in the park"

Perfect! So nid yn unig dyw e heb troi lan, dwi di dewis serial park bencher.

"What do you mean? How many have you seen him with?"

Dwi jest yn un arall ar ei rhestr chwip dde, te?

"I d'know, two or three maybe"

Dwy neu dair?!

"I don't pay that much attention to 'em, really. Just catches my ear when I hear em speaking Welsh and that. Except for one who didn't speak Welsh who kicked off at him"

"Why?"

"Got offended and started having a go at him for being a sleaze cause he told her he wanted to "Take her for a ride up the Bwlch". Obviously not from round here cause she didn't know the Bwlch was a mountain..."

"What do they look like?"

"The women? Like you I suppose, youngish, smart, nervous looking to start. They usually laugh at some point, I can hear 'em laughing even if I can't see em, so he must be a funny guy."

Unless ma' nhw'n chwerthin arno fe...

"Unless they're laughing at him, I suppose. Can't tell cause by the time I've come back round they've gone."

"He takes 'em home with him?"

"I don't know do I? I never see 'em leave. For all I know they could leave separately and agree to meet up somewhere else after finding out they not being catfished..? Or they might just...not"

Be dwi'n neud, mun..?

"'Ave you seen anyone sat here as long as i've been here..?"

"I've seen one or two sat here for a while too, aye. Good looking women so I don't know if they've been stood up by him or if they're just sat here. No way to tell really, is there? It's a public bench in it? Anyone can come and sit here. Not like they're wearing a red carnation or something."

Dwi yn shit spy...

"Late then is he, Wend?"

"He wasn't but he is now..."

Falle bo' fe 'di gweld fi a bo fi heb sylwi a di penderfynu "Na"? So hwn worth it.

"Wend, want to know what I'd do?"

Na, Glen, married to a 'big woman' yn gweithio mewn shop carpedi gyda'i dad ac yn dod am dro i'r run parc bob dydd, sa'i ishe clywed ti'n mansplainio love life fi i fi.

"What, Glen?"

"Stop talking to me and message him to see where he is?"

Sa'i di checio'n ffôn ers siarad da Glen, actually. Ma' 'na negeseuon...sweet relief, o leia fydd esboniad.

"He's messaged me at least..."

4 llun..?

1 neges...

Beth yw hwna..?

"He's sent me photos..."

Coed..?

"What's he sent you? That's the park ain't it?"

Fi a..?

"Fuck me..."

Llun ohona i'n ishte ma da Glen yn gwenu...o tu ôl y gatiau...

"Is that a photo of us two talking now..? That's fuckin odd, Wend. He said anythin else?"

Jyst un gair.

"SLAG"